AH! I’m pregnant and my real thoughts and fears on going from 1-2.

 
 Dress: Alice + Olivia (sized up to a 6 to accommodate bump) | Shoes: Aquazzura
Well, the cats finally out of the bag! It feels good to not have to hide anymore and even more so, to finally feel better! The first trimester was rough. Like really, really rough.
At one point, some of you may recall the radio silence over here and me mentioning there was some backend site issues happening. Well, that was 100% the truth. However, I was so sick that I didn’t even have the energy to deal with it or even have my assistant navigate the situation. Writing an email or communicating with people about anything, seemed like so much work. Getting out of bed, let alone having to take care of a toddler, was so much work. At one point, I was so sick, I remember thinking "how am I possibly going to take care of two children? What did I get myself into?" Actually, I’m lying, I thought that on several occasions where everything required so much mental and physical energy. I feared that my entire pregnancy, let alone, my entire immediate future was going to feel like that.
Weight Gain & First Trimester: So far, I’ve gained 10lbs, definitely more than I wanted to. For the last two months, every single day felt like a terrible hangover and the only cure was carbs on carbs on carbs. I had a bialy or a bagel (I would force myself to stop at half a bagel) on most days because that’s all my body craved. That and croissants, pasta, chips and greasy thai food. All of the normal things I normally enjoy: eggs, greens, any type of vegetable or salad, literally made me gag. I remember feeling this way with Nate during the first trimester, but for some reason, this time felt slightly worse. It’s possible it’s because I’m older or because I’ve blocked Nate’s first trimester out. I’m not entirely sure.
My Honest Fears & Thoughts: Many of you may recall me writing this post in which I shared that Keith and I were unsure whether we wanted a second child. For a long time, there was never a definitive yes or no, but as time went on, I felt myself leaning way more towards yes than no. My friends would ask me: "do you think you want another?" and my response would be "I think so." I’ve mentioned on several occasions that Keith and I were both only children and while we both had wonderful childhoods, a big part of me wanted to give Nate what I didn’t experience. I also dreamt of bigger holidays even though I was still scared shitless of rocking our boat. Honestly, I was scared (and still am) of many things.
I really debated on sharing was how I felt when I initially found out. I want to say that we were elated off the bat, but the truth of the matter was, we were very nervous. I didn’t want to share the truth because I’m also extremely aware at what a gift this is. I know many people (both online and off) who’ve had and still have, such struggles getting pregnant. I didn’t want to come off as ungrateful or insensitive. However, I’ve realized that I’m allowed to be honest and feel the way I do. I’m sure I’m not alone and that my initial reaction, a combination of excitement, fear and nerves, was not entirely abnormal.
The thoughts running through our mind:
"How are we going to juggle our already busy lives with two?"
"Are we ever going to sleep again?"
"Is our marriage going to suffer? Are we going to have any time for each other?!"
"Will we have any downtime?" (don’t answer that)
"Will this second child be as easy as Nate?" I’m convinced that he or she won’t be.
"Will we love this baby as much as Nate?"
"How are we going to get not 1, but 2 kids into a carseat" (why is this the most exhausting thing in the world?)
And with Keith always working so late, I would think "How the hell am I going to get two kids to sleep?"
There were (and are) so many thoughts and nerves….
I felt very guilty for feeling all of these things and almost didn’t share, but I also didn’t think that would be fair. As exciting as pregnancy is, there’s also a lot of emotions and fear associated with going from 0-1, 1-2 children or more… I thought to myself "I can’t possibly be alone in these thoughts." So here I am, being as honest as possible because it’s not always happy thoughts and pure excitement.
2nd Trimester: This week marks 15 weeks (due early November) and I can officially say that I’m feeling 100% better. My energy is back! I’m finally waking up in a great mood and craving all of the usual things I genuinely enjoy: eggs in the morning, veggies, greens with the occasional treat, rather than having carbs and junk take over every meal. I barely worked out for the first three months, but now have the energy to start getting some movement back in. I’ve missed the endorphins and how I feel after moving my body. I’m also not beating myself up over how I was the first trimester. This is what I tell other women who are experiencing it for the first time, but it’s truly about survival mode. When you feel as sick as a lot of us do, you do what you have to do to get through it. If that means going through a McDonalds drive-thru for breakfast, go for it.
Currently: I’ve went from feeling very anxious, scared and emotional to getting excited and thinking "okay, we can do this!" I know things won’t be easy and things will be a lot crazier, but in the grand scheme of life, it all passes by so quickly. I’m excited to see Nate as a big brother, something I always dreamed about for myself. Keith is nervous, probably more nervous than I am. I think he would have been fine with one, but there were also several occasions that he’d hint on "maybe being ready for a second." He’s still anxious and freaking, but now that my mood and anxiety have shifted, I see him easing up. It’s crazy how a significant others energy can truly rub off on the other person.
Of course, this doesn’t take away from the slight fear and nerves associated from going from 1-2, but now that I’m in a better emotional and physical state, everything seems like it will all (god willing) work itself out.
We are going to find out the sex so of course, will keep you all posted once we do!
Thank you for following along on yet another chapter in my life!
xo,
Helena


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